My bestfriend(s) > having a girlfriend
What exactly is a girlfriend adding to my life that I do not already get from my friends?
Thanks to everyone who read the last post, shared, enjoyed or disliked it. A major update from the last time
Had a great presentation and everything was going great, finished my presentation and I realised I didn’t stop sharing my screen. So now my whole team knows the name of my friend and also know I talk to women on team calls. Fun times.
Valentine has come and gone. Calm vibes to the relationship people, the people having a nice with people in “committed” relationships and the single people that pretend they are for the streets (“hard guys/gyals”). For me, I like to think I am having a nice and flirting with people’s girlfriends. For this newsletter, I will be talking about how I have made conscious efforts to decenter romantic relationships and proceeded to love friendships or best-friendships.
Recently, in a conversation with a close friend of mine, she asked about my plans for valentine and to be honest I had no major plans - my main priority was celebrating a friend’s birthday and grabbing a drink or two. At this point, there’s a number of things that come to mind
I am broke and do not have money to do something cute
I am probably down bad and no one is trying to go out with me
I am pretending to be contrarian and thinks hating on valentine is cool
Over time, I have made conscious efforts to decenter romantic relationships from my life. I think we have been conditioned for a significant portion of our lives to prioritise romantic relationships as the main form of love and we are surrounded by constant reminders of what our ideal relationships should look like. We live in a society that constantly celebrates this form of love.
In the last couple of weeks leading to valentine, I stumbled across different quotes about the need for love summarised as - Your soul isn't balanced until you find that very opposite and equal counterpart to your own soul. “Temitope takes a deep breath, paces down a bit and asks what the fuck does this even mean? You and whose soul is not balanced?”
Thanks largely to movies, cartoons, the need for a prince charming or a beauty to our beast type content we consumed for a majority of our lives children, the effervescent role of religion, immediate and external families constantly reminding us how to act to ensure we get a partner; society has conditioned us to romanticize romantic relationships and to look forward to it. I think a lot of us have unconsciously internalised the idea that romantic relationships are a missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle. This unconscious internalisation reflects in a number of different funny forms - From “God when” to “Must be nice” to “Couple/Relationship goals”.
My friend asked, “does decentering mean I am not completely interested in women?" (anyone who knows me knows that… I might sell my father’s land for woman). For me, decentering is coming to terms with the fact that I am happy and whole as an individual, single person without a romantic partner.
I got to the point where I am not thinking that a girlfriend is a missing piece of the puzzle in my vision of happiness. I am not looking to completely forego romantic relationships, pleasure or touch but I am choosing to live life happily regardless of it.
Upon further reflection, I am making the shift away from romantic love to celebrating other forms of love. There is love significantly stronger and mutually beneficial than the popularly celebrated form of love. The moment I decided to stop deliberately thinking about romantic relationships, I began to appreciate the small things and understand how all the love I have ever looked for in a partner manifests in all of my friendships. According to Twitter (2020), “I am a mosaic of everyone I’ve ever loved, even for a heartbeat”.
Anyone who knows me or of me has probably heard me talk about my best friends and how much I love these lots. For me, I feel all of this love and happiness with my friends and close friends. My question to you is what exactly does one need a romantic relationship or girlfriend for?
The two most important things for me are physical touch and words of affirmation. During the first lockdown, I was 100% depressed because I went without a hug for 5 months (this is a true-life story). The pandemic has made hugging significantly more complex but I am happy to take the risk. For me, love is hugging me like I matter, cuddling me and reminding me how much you love me with words. My friends have constantly reaffirmed their love for me by driving halfway across town to cook with me and drink wine while hugging me intermittently, they’ve sent me paragraphs, and constantly reminded me in every form possible that they love me.
I Love Love, I just don’t need it from a romantic partner. I think romantic love is great but I never want to be actively looking for love and worse still from a point of desperation. My best friend and close friends have filled my life with so much love and once a specific romantic love comes up, it is simply adding to the abundance of love I already have.
If you are a beautiful woman, slide into my DM dear. Don’t be shy.
Have a nice!
yet another beautiful and hilarious piece. “... simply adding to the abundance of love that i already have.” - love this!
i also love that you’re aware and appreciative of the the love that’s around you ♥️
not you saying you’d sell your father’s land for women! 😭😭😭